Still waiting.

This past June, after more than ten years of being in remission from Alopecia, I could tell it was coming back. The fall and winter were mentally consuming and exhausting as I tried to avoid what seem inevitable.   Please no, God, I’m begging… no. Prayer, lots of prayer.  Relax, Lori, you have to slow down and relax-  eat well, sleep more, stop stressing. Nope, none of that worked.  I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t stop it.  I changed jobs, slowed down, took vitamins, prayed more, and nope -turns out I can’t control an autoimmune disease, and despite my efforts – it all fell out.

In November, I felt the Lord gently settle my spirit, and tell me, “Walk uprightly.”  It was as if He was comforting me, saying, “I am going to allow you to go through this trial, but beckoning me to press in and pass the test. Encouraging me to go through it with grace, walk uprightly. (Not kicking and screaming!)

I started this blog about a year ago. The topics and reader views sometimes vary, but it is very clear to me — when I share about my pain, more people read.  Transparency, authenticity, and vulnerability seem to connect us in the most real of ways.

In December, I shared a part of my Alopecia story in a blog titled: Even if you don’t…  Still to date, that blog was viewed/read more than 10x’s more than any others. With more than 1,400 views, I could see that people can relate, even though our stories are so different.  I shared about it again this past May, after pushing past feelings of fear and insecurity in a blog entitled It only looks like a Mountain….

And here I am again, sharing more.

I am just over 6 months into this… sincerely trying to Walk Uprightly. There are days when I feel confident, and other days I just feel crazy.  My emotions could follow the extreme swings of a pendulum:

Trying. Trusting. Struggling. Peaceful. Winning. Losing. Strong. Tired. Weak. Emotional. Raw. Numb. Strong. Masked. Vulnerable. Confident. Insecure. Open. Closed. Honest. Fake. Beautiful. Ugly. Fearful. Brave.

Anyone else been there?  It’s exhausting! I am trying, but the waiting seems to be too long. The journey seems to be so different than I expected.  This just isn’t really what I wanted. I miss my hair. I wish I didn’t have to endure this. Lord, it doesn’t seem fair, or good.  I am still waiting for signs of new growth. After 6 months, I mentally was prepared for this to all be over. I had pictured a short new summer haircut, with a spunky smile that would help me push past and close this chapter.

But yet – no.  More waiting. No progress, more delay.

psalm-27_14-791x1024

 

Psalm 27:14 sort of cracks me up.  We are so impatient that He needs to tell us, not once, but twice during ONE single verse to Wait on the Lord. And don’t wait wimpy.  Wait strong, Wait with hope. Wait with joy. Wait with expectation. But yet, still….. we must wait!

Well, for the rest of you who like me are in between seasons – wishing and wanting, praying and seeking… Here are some reminders about how to wait well.

Isaiah 40 tell us that those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.

Habakuk 2:3 assures that even though the timing seems slow, surely it will come, and it is not delayed.

Psalm 37:7 instructs us to be still, wait patiently, and then comforts with the reminder that He will act.

Psalm 40:1 gives us confidence because when we wait on Him, he TURNS to us and He hears our cry.

Ecclesiastes 3 is a peaceful reminder that everything is made beautiful in it’s own time.

He hasn’t left us abandoned to wait all alone powerless and in pity. He has equipped us with His word, His power, our testimony, and faithful friends to help us along the way. Take courage, take heart, wait well.  It’s worth it.

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